Category: wtf?

Ah! The Icy Hand of Death Is Upon My Throat! Wait, It’s Not.

Last night, in the shower, I happened to look down at my left ankle (yes, smart-ass, ignoring any magnificent organs I might have encountered along the way), and I saw a crop circle shaved into my leg hair—a round bald patch about the size of an Eisenhower dollar. “WTF?” I think, looking more closely, and though I know I’m setting myself up for a Gregory House encounter with any doctor I might speak to about my sudden deforestation (“You’re eating too much cheese. Also, you’re an idiot.”), I wonder WHAT IT MIGHT MEAN.

Then at lunch, as I’m walking to the old Marshall Fields building to buy a tie, I felt a distinct chafing sensation. A chafing brought on by the fuzzy insulation of my nifty, new, warm as toast boots. I stopped and pulled up my pant leg to discover that not only has the baldy dollar expanded, it’s also getting a little red down there. Long socks are in order.

Also, House was right. I’m an idiot. Why didn’t I notice this yesterday? I was probably distracted by the blizzard.

As a Boy I Built Gingerbrick Houses, Because They Were SENSIBLE

So here’s a stupid question, but give me a break, because we never built one in my house when I was growing up. I’m thinking of making one with my wife and son, because it’s fun, and I’m freaking jolly and shit.

After you build a gingerbread house and let it sit around for a few weeks, are you supposed to eat it? Or is it simply intended as a monument to consumerism and folly?

Two Autobiographical Stories My Son Inexplicably Asks Me to Retell

Nate is utterly rapt when I tell him these stories, and he wants me to tell them again and again and again. I know not why, my liege. Note that I am telling the below stories the same way I tell them to my three-year-old son. Don’t expect Faulkner.

1. Once, when I was a little boy, Grampa Kelly took me to a haunted house. We came to one room that was dark and filled with cobwebs, skeletons, and other Halloween decorations. Suddenly a man came running out of a door in the back of the room. He was wearing a mask, holding his hands over his head, and screaming, “ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGH!”

But I just stuck out my hand. He stopped, looked at it, and then shook my hand. And I wasn’t afraid at all.

[Note: He was actually waving an axe around, but I figured that might be too scary for Nate at this point.]

2. I was at church this morning. When mass was over I started to leave, but as I approached the doors they suddenly opened, and a spaceman walked in. I knew it couldn’t be a spaceman, because what would a spaceman be doing in church? It turned out it was Ms. Jess, and she was wearing a motorcycle helmet. It was big and round and had a dark glass front, so that’s what made me think it was a space helmet for a moment. Spacemen in church? Ridiculous!