Category: family

The Goddamned Batmorality and Batemperance Society

This morning I was helping Nate get dressed, and I suited him up in one of his two or three Batman shirts. It looks like a Dick Giordano Batman, courageously going forth to fight the bad guys with Gotham City as a backdrop. I noted that the shirt had a caption:

Me: (Pointing at each word.) Nate, that says “THE CAPED CRUSADER SAVES GOTHAM CITY!”

Nate: Caped crusader!

Me: Yeah, that’s one of Batman’s nicknames.

Nate: Batman! (Distracted by something.)

Me (To my wife Michael): But in the end, the Caped Crusader realized that Gotham first had to save (dramatic pause) itself.

Mike: Ha ha!

Nate: (Wanders off.)

Me: “Caped crusader.” It sounds like he was mounting an anti-porn campaign.

Mike: Heh heh!

Me: (Christian Bale Dark Knight voice) Gotham has too many sex shops and porno theaters! We need to clean up this city once and for all!

Mike: Ho ho!

Me: (CBDKV) Will no one think of the children!?!

Mike: Har har!

Me: (CBDKV) ROBIN WALKS BY THAT STORE EVERY DAY ON HIS WAY TO SCHOOL!!!

Mike: Ha ha!

At this point, Nate began impersonating me impersonating Christian Bale impersonating Batman. Which was completely hilarious.

End scene.

What the Hell Is Nate Talking About? A Guide.

If Nate Says: “I want to see the big man video.”

He Means: “Kindly play the Black-Eyed Peas’ ‘Let’s Get It Started’ video for me for the hundredth goddamned time.” [Assumedly, Will.i.am is the big man, but this is unclear.]

If Nate Says: “I want to see the man in the black hat video.”

He Means: “Replay that Tony Hawk video for the thousandth freaking time. It’s freaking awesome!” [Hawk’s helmet is black, so this is a little clearer.]

Two Autobiographical Stories My Son Inexplicably Asks Me to Retell

Nate is utterly rapt when I tell him these stories, and he wants me to tell them again and again and again. I know not why, my liege. Note that I am telling the below stories the same way I tell them to my three-year-old son. Don’t expect Faulkner.

1. Once, when I was a little boy, Grampa Kelly took me to a haunted house. We came to one room that was dark and filled with cobwebs, skeletons, and other Halloween decorations. Suddenly a man came running out of a door in the back of the room. He was wearing a mask, holding his hands over his head, and screaming, “ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGH!”

But I just stuck out my hand. He stopped, looked at it, and then shook my hand. And I wasn’t afraid at all.

[Note: He was actually waving an axe around, but I figured that might be too scary for Nate at this point.]

2. I was at church this morning. When mass was over I started to leave, but as I approached the doors they suddenly opened, and a spaceman walked in. I knew it couldn’t be a spaceman, because what would a spaceman be doing in church? It turned out it was Ms. Jess, and she was wearing a motorcycle helmet. It was big and round and had a dark glass front, so that’s what made me think it was a space helmet for a moment. Spacemen in church? Ridiculous!

Dream 1

Last night I dreamed that my dad, a lawyer who specializes in real estate, was working on a deal for Steve Albini. The Albini part was odd, but what stuck out for me was that Dad, who’s had a number of medical problems these past few years and isn’t as physically quick as he used to be, was in his prime. He looked the way I remembered him looking when he was in his 50s. He’s not, as he puts it, ready to go just yet, but it was good to see him healthy again.

I didn’t speak with Albini, even though it was strange to see him sitting at my parents’ kitchen table, poring over contracts with Dad. I don’t believe dreams have meanings though, so that’s that.