1. Wooly caterpillars wear wooly wool coats and hats, large comical googly-eyed glasses, speak in adorable Capote-like lisp.
2. Bears found hibernating in the attic
3. Sun dead
4. Pluto, Lord of the Underworld, seen carrying Persephone to Hades
5. Glacier onslaught
6. Harvested rutabagas bite like a motherfucker, won’t let go
7. Antifreeze antifreezes
8. Blood hail
9. Snowman-on-snowman crime increases
10. Flocks of geese flock more tightly, creating walking Transformer-like “superflock” with sonic cannons, wave motion gun
11. Swamp Witch done skinned the cat, threw the bones, and watched the Weather Channel
12. Teens engaging in disturbing new trend of “iceberging” and “frost-riming,” with multiple plants of either sex.
13. Frost giants callously ignore ceasefire
14. Ass literally falls off
15. You scream, I scream, we all scream the ice scream
16. Internal icicle pain
17. Snow shovel won’t start up without being primed first
18. Senior citizens’ pelvises heard softly weeping
19. Old Man Winter seen pissing hard frost across your garden, cackling, flipping you off.
20. Tsnownamis
